So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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