Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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