Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
