you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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