Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
