your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
