you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
