2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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