20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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