seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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