I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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