he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
