Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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