Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
