I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
