i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
