Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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