I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
