the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
