How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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