new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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