If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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