she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
