checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
