like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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