in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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