I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
