If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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