I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize