If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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