My friends, they love my intelligence
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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