my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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