Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
