Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
