Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
