dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
