I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.