this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".