Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My pussy is not your playground.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
