i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
