i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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