I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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