just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
