I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
