They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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