I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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