You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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