nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
