At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
