I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
