Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
it's like heaven, but drunker
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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