Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
