There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
