i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
